Author’s Note:
Hello all!
You will find my creative response below. I chose the one
that was centered around using the dialogue we picked up on while
eavesdropping. From reading it, I think you all will be able to see that it’s
about two close friends who obviously now find themselves in a bit of a
conflict. I like what I’m trying to get across in the story and I tried to
evoke the sense of a growing distance between them, both emotionally and
physically, as they ventured on their afternoon walk.
However, I think that I want to show more detail. I want
more tension and I want more conversation. But I don’t exactly know where to
take it from there. They’re on a walk, so where else can they go? Long story
short, I’d like some suggestions as to where they could go. Or, should I
elaborate more on the backstory? The reasons why things are so intense in the
first place?
Also, I was thinking earlier that if Shannon was upset
with Denise, would she really go on a walk with her as they always did? Was
that believable? Should I elaborate? I feel as if that could be done by taking
advantage of point of view.
Happy reading and revising! I can’t wait to hear all of
your awesome feedback!
Morgan
Morgan
Ledbetter
Chantel
Acevedo
Creative
Response #2
4.6.2013
Thursday Afternoon
“It’s really a lovely day, don’t you think?” The small
grained bits of the gravel path crunched under her brown cracked loafers.
“I suppose. I believe it was better on Tuesday.”
“Sure, sure.” Denise’s response was muffled by the
thumbnail she had started to nibble on.
She spit the detached, jagged edge to the ground. “Do you
want to stop by Tesco’s on the way back? Grab a bottle of wine and sit in the
park like we used to?
“I don’t think today would be the best.” Shannon
continued to look ahead. It was just chilly enough to wear a light jacket – the
weather was perfect. But Shannon still thought Tuesday had been better.
“I didn’t mean to tell him.”
“I know you didn’t.”
“It just slipped. We had all been drinking. You know I
would never have –”
“ – I’m sure you wouldn’t have.” Denise cringed. Shannon
was just sure she wouldn’t have. She
didn’t know.
“Do you not believe me?”
“Of course I do.”
They continued walking together, a distance forming
between them that stretched far beyond just the physical space.
Shannon continued. “He hasn’t answered any of my calls.
Craig said he hasn’t been at the flat. Didn’t sleep there last night.”
“He probably just needs some time to think.” Denise
clasped the elbow of her down-stretched right arm with her left hand.
“What’s Craig said?”
“He’s said what anyone would say.”
“Which is what?”
“That he’s absolutely thrilled John knows, obviously. I’m
sure he slept sound as a baby last night after months of worry and tossing and
turning.”
Denise shuddered again. “I think this’ll all be okay,
honestly. It’ll – ”
“ – Make our relationship stronger? Oh, naturally.”
Shannon
jerked her head toward Denise. Their eyes met, but in a way that had never been
before.
Their
walk was a Thursday afternoon routine they’d kept since having moved to the city.
They’d stroll about for hour or two, accustoming themselves to their new
surroundings. They’d wander, they’d ponder, they’d discuss what they saw and
what they felt. Today was different, but they decided to meet anyway.
“Let’s find a seat
somewhere. We’ll just sit – and talk.” But there wasn’t anything left to say.
It was the first time in the entirety of their friendship when Denise felt that
this was the case.
“There aren’t any seats.” Denise counted three vacant
benches.
“I’m just going to walk back, it won’t take me more than
15 or 20 minutes from here.” Shannon wasn’t going to budge.
Denise couldn’t undo what had been done, but she wanted
to try.
“Will you just continue
on with me? Even if in silence?”
“No. As I said, Tuesday would have been better.”
Shannon’s voice sharpened.
“Well, why?” Denise was becoming irritated. She was
trying. Still, she knew that it was a stupid question all the same. “What’s the
difference between a beautiful Tuesday and a beautiful Thursday?”
“The fact that Wednesday hasn’t happened yet.” Denise
slowed in her steps, decreasing the space in her stride until Shannon was about
ten feet in front of her. Shannon didn’t slow in her pace – didn’t even falter.
They walked in a line of silence, just like Denise had asked. She followed Shannon,
allowing a considerable distance to wedge between them. Shannon continued down
the gravel path, her figure framed by the trees that lined the way.
Morgan,
ReplyDeleteThis piece is really well rounded and I enjoyed the "there but not there" issue that's being discussed! I like having to infer what the problem is and what secret was spilled (I'm guessing pregnancy?) and I think you did it perfectly so that it's not confusing, but still kind of a mystery. Your dialogue works really naturally with the way Denise and Shannon talk over each other and pause. My only thing is that the dialogue feels really formal for two best friends - and I know that tension can lead to a colder, more formal tone, but I some of the language could be a little more relaxed.
Another thing I noticed was sometimes I got got confused as to who was speaking. Some of the dialogue tags referred to the other character, but I had to read it a couple times to figure it out clearly.
Overall, this piece is really working and the tension is awesome! Good job!
-Caroline
Morgan,
ReplyDeleteNice work! I love your tone and the way your form dialogue. The pace of the piece is easy to follow, and I enjoy the actions of Denise and Shannon- they're obviously uncomfortable talking to one another and you showed this well without telling your reader.
I personally enjoyed the fact that I never really figured out what they were arguing about because it allowed me imagine as a reader. However, I think that if you wanted to take this further and make it a longer piece, I would encourage you to bring more clues into the dialogue that point your reader in a particular direction. The only line that seemed obvious to me was this one: "a distance forming between them that stretched far beyond just the physical space." It's a good line, but I don't think that it's necessary since you do such a good job of showing the distance forming in their friendship through dialogue and action.
Overall, beautiful piece. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it from here.
Thanks for sharing,
Marjorie Lupas
Morgan,
ReplyDeleteI loved your scene! I think it's normal that they would still go on their walk. It doesn't seem like they want to entirely ignore the problem at the beginning, but I get that Denise wants to make up for it and that Shannon is showing her that it won't work, though she doesn't directly say anything at first. (I don't know if I described that well enough, but I like what you did.) That sounds very "girl" to me.
I did get confused with the tags, especially since the following sentence was sometimes from the other's point of view. I'd add a few tags, but if you don't want to, maybe try just starting a new paragraph. Not having them as close to each other visually might help a bit.
I agree that you need a little more detail, especially something that gives a few more hints at the problem, but I'm not sure where they could go. Can you think of other places they normally go? Or maybe a place that Shannon loves but that Denise doesn't? Denise can suggest they go there in an attempt to make up for what she did.
Fantastic job!
-Haley
Hi Morgan,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this piece. Life involves a lot of friendships that shatter, it was very sobering to see Denise and Shannon slowly separate from each other literally and metaphorically throughout the work.
I believe you did a great job of using time as a setting. You hint at a party the night before where information was compromised, you flip back to the next day where there is obvious discomfort between Shannon and Denise. The dialogue also hooked me in! It forced me to ask questions such as the obvious one, what was said? Why is there relationship deteriorating?
For improvement, I suggest maybe delving in a bit more about their history. Maybe cut down on a few dialogue snippets to have the effect of distance and silence between the two even more!
Well done! Thank you for sharing!
Patrick
This is an enciteful piece...I love the part where you were talking about the difference between Tuesday and Thursday..."because Wednesday hasn't happened yet".
ReplyDeleteIt was a bit difficult to know which character was speaking, but overall a good piece.
Happy writing!
Cara Eiland
Morgie,
ReplyDeleteThe mystery is killing me! But in a good way. I like that you leave it up to the reader to decide/figure out where the tension rooted.
As for your question about the believability of the walk, I think it's less of an issue of if she would go on their "regular walk" and more of an issue of "do regular people take regular walks?" :) I think the tension could have been increased even more if there was a purpose or a reason for them meeting. This is an elementary example, but if they HAD to walk to class together every Thursday. Something unavoidable, even though they wish they could avoid it. Just an idea.
Still, a really gripping and provoking piece. Many of your sentences are extremely striking, and make it a great read.
Pop Pop
Morgan,
ReplyDeleteYou have definitely mastered the "hook and hold" lines that we learned about in class. I found myself wondering what it was they were talking about, what exactly had Shannon said?
I think the mystery helps the story, because we are getting a view into something very private, and it's as if we are listening in on a conversation. I like that I can feel the tension, you did a great job illustrating that in the distance and in Denise's snaps at Shannon.
The only thing I would say is you could add just a little bit more about who Craig is, maybe that would help tie together how they all know each other. I kind of felt like he was randomly put in and I didn't know why he mattered or who he was in the story.
Great job!
Jill
Dear Morgan,
ReplyDeleteI really loved you piece and mystery behind what caused the tension between Denise and Shannon. I thought you did a great job of revealing your characters not through description, but through their actions and dialogue. While I personally loved the mystery of trying to find out what they were fighting about, I could definitely see you expanding this piece and explaining the events that have lead up to this walk.
I don't think it is strange that the two would be walking together even if they were fighting, because Shannon might have seen this as an opportunity to hash out whatever they were fighting about.
I would perhaps add some tags because it was sometimes a little hard to follow who was saying what when their dialogue was followed by the other character's actions.
Overall, I really loved reading your piece and several of your line were particularly powerful to me.
Thanks for sharing,
Carson
Morgan,
ReplyDeleteI love the sassy line "The fact that Wednesday hasn't happened yet". It's so perfect! You really have a mastery of minute images, such as the finger nail; not everyone can do that without it feeling like an unnecessary tangent.
I got a bit lost for a moment in the middle with the male names and "him"s and "he"s but think I got ahold of it again. The tension is strong, I like that! I would like another small hint about why things are so tense though. I would also move the description of why they take their walk up to the beginning. You could really set up the story great by showing how much trust they have in each other, then breaking it down.
Great work!
Kate
Hey Morgan!
ReplyDeleteI quite enjoyed this piece of yours, from the small details that evoke larger emotions (jagged edge of a thumbnail from Denise's anxious habit) to their careful talking around the larger issue.
I was wondering if you were going to reveal what was told to John explicitly, though I had my suspicions-- but I think you took the suspense from the unanswered questions (why tuesday, what was said) and exploded it in Shannon's final line, which culminates in this serene and sad image of the physical space widening to match the emotional distance between them, with Denise chasing Shannon. That worked for me, and I am content at guessing what has been said.
That said, I do think you shouldn't be afraid to let your characters feel more. They're having a very cold fight, and while you can see it a little in Denise's gestures and the conversation about the weather, you wonder where all the heat has gone.
I think, if you wanted, you could add in a line or two about how Denise managed to get Shannon to go on a walk with her, and you could linger perhaps on their most emotional exchange by putting in some more description after. If you wanted their walk to have a purpose, there are things on garden paths they could be walking to (or passing by/stopping to look at)-- a statue, or a fountain, or a secret garden.
Good luck expanding this piece into something even stronger! I really like it.
-Ellen
Morgan,
ReplyDeleteI really liked the obvious tension between Shannon and Denise here. Their short, staccato exchanges convey this perfectly without the need for adverbs or narrative exposition.
That said, the way they speak seems a little old-fashioned and formal in a couple places. I didn't miss anything, right--this is present day?
I want to know what happened between them! But don't tell us--I think it's good as is.
--Angela
Morgz,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your piece! I definitely sensed the tension between the characters. I think it is definitely believable that Shannon would still go on a walk, being upset with Denise -- girls that are trying to repair a friendship and possibly work something out, but it's something that only time will heal.
Like Angela said above, I want to know what it was that happened between them, but I find it interesting that you left it out. I would elaborate a little bit more on a backstory and maybe give a few hints as to the conflict.
Awesome job!
Allie
Morgan, this scene was fantastic, and very Hemingway-esque in terms of discussing something that isn't there (the other bits of Hemingway wouldn't be as good to steal anyway). I particularly liked the way you let us in to how one of the characters felt, especially because it was the opposite of what she said. Just the girl-to-girl interaction was great and I feel like I can understand it better being with this group in London. That being said, I would like to see some of the guys discussed more here, as I assume they play an important role in this scene, at least in a background sense. Overall, it was great!
ReplyDelete