Author's Note:
This is my creative response after eavesdropping in Trafalgar Square. It was randomly inspired by a little girl asking her mom "what's that horsey doing" in the National Gallery. I tried my best to utilize dialogue but it is not something that I am very good at. I would love to hear yall's input on improving subtext and "showing not telling."
Walk of Shame
The sun poured through the windows
and rudely woke my eyes. As I slowly yawned, a terrifying thought came to my
mind, “Where in the world am I?” I turned my head to find a man wearing only a
cape lying next to me. His eyes opened and greeted me with a smile.
“Morning Anna.”
“Morning…” His name would not come
to mind. All I could think to call him was, “…Batman?” The room continued to spin as the words fell out of my mouth.
“You don’t even remember my name? Great.
Well, I think you better go now.”
I quietly whimpered as I began dress myself with the
clothes from last night: skin-tight brown dress complete with tail, ears and
stilettos. I gathered the rest of my things and sped for the door.
“Well done,” his roommate clapped. “Now, don’t get
your tail stuck in the door!”
“You’re hilarious.”
“Oh come on, I’m just horsing around!” his voice
boomed into laugher as I slammed the door behind me.
I tried to keep my head down because I knew that if I
looked up, I would see the eyebrows raise, the eyes roll and the fingers
pointing at my shameful choices. I wanted to get home as quickly as possible, but
with each stiletto clank, the pounding in my head only worsened.
Luckily, I saw a Pret-a-Manger with enough empty
tables to spare a small amount of embarrassment. The cashier smiled as I walked
towards to counter, but quickly cleared his throat.
“What can I get for you today?”
“A large coffee, black.”
“Coming right up.” He fiddled around in the back for a
bit and as he handed over the steaming coffee, he chuckled, “Have a good night?
Sorry, I just had to ask.”
“Fantastic” I said, picking at my nails. “I’m glad you
find my misery entertaining.”
“Hey, something has got to get me through these long
days, right? I’ve got to hand it to you, though…I would have just taken a taxi.
You know what, this coffee is on the house. Good luck with the rest of your
day.”
“Thanks. I would have too, but my house is just right
around the corner.” I tried to smile, but a sudden rush of nausea came over me.
“Are you oka…?” With my hand over my mouth, I sprinted
out of the doors to the nearest trashcan outside.
As soon as I was able to stand upright once again, I
heard the voice of a little girl shouting at me.
“Mummy, what’s that horsey doing?” Her mother’s eyes
widened, grabbed her hand and lead her away as if she had just seen a ghost.
“That horsey is going on a morning walk, just like we
are! Let’s go this way now.”
I pressed onward with the hope of soon laying in my
own bed, in the privacy of my own room; only two more blocks to go.
“Annie? Is that you?” I heard a voice coming from
behind.
I kept walking, praying that this voice was not
talking to me.
“Annie! Hey!” She caught up.
“Hey! I haven’t seen you in so long!” My heart sank.
Out of everyone for me to run into right now, it had to be Katie. “How have you been?”
“I’ve been great, you know, taking classes at Oxford,
but I’m just visiting my parents the weekend. I see that I’ve missed a fun time
last night.” She wrinkled her nose as her eyes traveled up and down my body.
“Yeah…well, great to see you. Let’s get coffee soon.”
I rolled my eyes as I turned back and I waved.
With a sigh of relief I finally walked up the steps of
my flat and right then I decided that no walk of shame was worth one night of
fun.
Allie,
ReplyDeleteThis is really enjoyable, funny piece to read, and I thought it was a super creative use of the line of dialogue you were inspired by! I thought your dialogue was pretty realistic and believable overall. I also liked how you incorporated the London setting by mentioning a Pret and Oxford - they were obvious details that let you know where you were, but also subtle enough that it didn't feel like exposition.
My suggestions would be to think about the pacing of time and transitions from scene to scene. Anna didn't spend very long in any one place and I think it might read better if you didn't jump to quickly from one setting/ interaction to the next. I also wanted to know the significance of this Katie girl - why is she the last person Anna wants to see above everyone else? I think getting a glimpse into their history would be interesting and add some weight to Anna's embarrassment!
Great job, I liked reading this!
- Caroline
Hey Allie,
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a very well written and enjoyable piece! Your portrayal of the morning after a crazy night of partying for your protagonist is thoroughly painted. The way you brought out her frustration and exhaustion when she finally arrives home was solid.
In terms of showing and not telling, maybe have your character play off the apartment dialogue. Maybe she could confront the roommate who was mocking her out after she walked out of the bedroom. You could also add a little more detail about the guy she spent the night with. That may be an interesting route to take this story. How did they end up back at his flat?
Well done! Thank you for sharing!
Patrick
Allie,
ReplyDeleteI love how this story was inspired!
There are some points when I would suggest breaking up one speaker's dialogue to add depth through action. For example, when the guy at Pret says “Hey, something has got to get me through these long days, right? I’ve got to hand it to you, though…I would have just taken a taxi. [Insert action of him maybe looking her over and suddenly feeling sorry here] You know what, this coffee is on the house. Good luck with the rest of your day.”
I like to see you either expand on that scene with the guy at Pret, or as Patrick said, explain how they got to the flat in the first place. This would add some depth to your character. Did she have a bad day and just liked the attention? Does she normally do this? etc.
Well done!
Kate
Allie,
ReplyDeleteThis was fun and extremely creative. I really enjoyed the brief realization by Anna at the end of the story. I agree with Caroline's point about mentioning Pret and Oxford - sometimes getting so specific can be awkward, but it worked well here.
One minor thing I was confused about is why she put the ears back on when she was quickly dressing at Batman's house? Couldn't she have saved herself a little dignity if she just left those with Batman? :)
I would also love to see more in the interaction with Katie. It's more understandable that an interaction with a cashier at Pret would be shorter, in my opinion, but Katie's scene seemed awkwardly short.
Good work, though!
Scott
Allie,
ReplyDeleteGreat job. I enjoyed this piece and could feel Annie's shame as I walked down the street with her. The brief scene at the beginning is especially helpful in revealing the tone and context without being too explicit.
Your descriptions are so vivid and relatable, so I would encourage you to stay away from phrases like "shameful choices." We can feel Annie's shame just by her actions and the ways she reacts to the people around her, so I don't think it's necessary for the reader to know her exact thoughts in this situation.
All together, nice work! I hope that you'll expand this into something longer and run with it because it has great promise.
Thanks for sharing,
Marjorie Lupas
Allie,
ReplyDeleteThis was an enjoyable and humorous piece, and I think you did a pretty good job with the dialogue. I feel like I'm getting a good picture of Anna, but I want to know if this is something she does often. I keep changing my mind about that. I also agree with Scott when he says that he'd like more interaction with Katie. I can see that Anna doesn't like her, and I can see they have some major differences, but I think you can show a little more (memory, action, etc.) that might develop Annie's character a bit.
Great job!
-Haley
Allie,
ReplyDeleteWhat a fun piece! It is legitimately funny, and the dialogue seems fairly natural and lively. The mother's reaction was a beautiful 'show don't tell' moment.
I would suggest, in an effort to have a less judgemental narrator (and let the audience judge where they will), that you cut entirely the last line. It sounds too much like "the moral of the story is," and reads somewhat condescending.
I want to encourage you to shy away from used phrases like "as though she had seen a ghost"-- you've created a unique situation, and it deserves unique descriptions!
I think you've created a fun humor piece, and I'd love to see you tighten it by adding some more character actions that match (and maybe break up a little bit) the dialogue. But it's still been a very enjoyable read!
-Ellen
Allie,
ReplyDeleteI love how you took your overheard dialogue and created a totally different piece from it! Your dialogue throughout the piece seems very natural. I also love the small details you put in to let the reader know where this is set.
I would like to see Annie developed more as a character, perhaps in her interaction with Katie. I would love to know the reason that Annie doesn't like her rather than being told she doesn't like her.
Overall I really enjoyed your piece. Thanks for sharing!
Carson
Allie,
ReplyDeleteThis was a fun read that most of us have experienced in some shape of form. You detail te senes very well. The only thing i wanted to see was the expression the waiter at the pret-manager made afterthey said "would have taken a taxi".
Otherwise, good descriptions on the piece.
Good luck!
Cara Eiland
Allie,
ReplyDeleteGood job! I was laughing out loud a couple times. I really love where you went with the line you picked up. I thought that was awesome and totally didn't even see that coming.
I know you said you had trouble with dialogue, so my suggestion would be to draw it out longer between Annie and the dude. I think that would be really funny. Maybe you could have her try to figure his name out by like asking to put his number in her phone. That's one way to get a name. You'd also have some potential to make the situation even more awkward
Also, why was her last interaction with Katie? Is she super significant? There's another plae where you could include dialogue. Maybe a brief backstory would help too.
I think it'd be interesting to give her some flashbacks from the night before. Maybe like how she ended up there in the first place - you know, piece the night together.
I really liked the small details about how she bit her nails or how the cashier cleared his throat. That's a good way to show and not tell what's being thought. Also, you know that Katie is judging her the way she examines Annie. Awesome job with that!
Happy revising!
Morgan
Allie,
ReplyDeleteI've got to hand it to you, this story was pretty hilarious--the horse jokes really got me. I could easily see this scene being in a sitcom or something, but maybe for that reason, I didn't think the line at the end was quite necessary. I think if you were able to add some dialogue between the girl and the cashier, maybe a flash back, or a conversation about the night before with the man in bed that helped further illustrate the meaning in the last line, the last line would be redundant. Overall, great story!
Allie,
ReplyDeleteI was literally chuckling to myself the whole time. Your story is so relatable and light hearted, and I like that you don't judge your character.
I think the judgments by the cashier and room mate are pretty obvious and realistic though- I love stories that resonate in that way.
I think the interaction with Katie was important, actually. We all have the experience where we see someone we don't want to, and I thought you creatively incorporated that. I was thinking "omg this is soooo college" haha!
Although I do think that illustrating Annie's and Katie's relationship a little more would help with the overall plot. I would like to have seen her seem a little less random, give her a reason for being in the scene and also Annie's reason for wanting to avoid her.
Great job!!
Jill
Allie,
ReplyDeleteThis was quite a creative response to the overheard dialogue! And everything surrounding it was entirely realistic, too.
I would love some more expansion, as a few other people mentioned, at either Pret or the flat, just to flesh out Annie a bit. As far as showing not telling, since it's first person, instead of saying, "I kept walking, praying that this voice was not talking to me," perhaps try, "I kept walking. Please God don't be talking to me," so that we're in her head in the moment. Maybe even try writing this piece in present tense.
Thanks for sharing.
--Angela