An Encounter at Evacuation by Marjorie Lupas

Dear Classmates:

            Below is my first Creative Response where we were all challenged to write a story set in wartime London.  I’ve never attempted to write historical fiction before this short story, so it has stretched me as a writer in a new and helpful ways.  However, I’m struggling to develop depth in such a short piece.

            I would love suggestions for how to develop Amelia and Kathleen as characters set in wartime London.  Their lives are complicated and confusing, and I want to display this in their dialogue and actions without being too obvious or too vague.  I’m struggling with having the second dimension to my dialogue that we talked about in class and would appreciate suggestions on how to develop this in this specific piece.

            I also included a piece of poetry from Robert Louis Stevenson in this story.  Is it cheesy?  Or does it still allow for there to be a sense of fear in both Amelia and Kathleen?

            Professor Acevedo also encouraged me to look for ways to bring depth to Amelia’s character.  I attempted to do this at the end of the piece, but it feels a little forced and uncomfortable.  Let me know if you think it works, or if there might be a better way to express this throughout the piece instead of just at the end.

Thank you so much, and I’m looking forward to reading all of your work!

Marjorie

An Encounter in Evacuation

             Amelia shifted back and forth, staring down at her black, leather clogs.  Shadows rolled quickly across her feet followed by a chilling gust of breeze, reminding her that her time to leave approached inevitably.  Her eyes moved restlessly from one child to another, careful to avoid eye contact and conscious of their clothes and stature.  Big brothers stood regally, clutching tightly to their luggage and looking wide eyed at their younger siblings.  Big sisters scanned the crowd carefully and gathered their brothers together every few moments.  None of these looked for Amelia.  She held her bag closely to her chest and furrowed her brow as she thought of Surrey.

            “Kathleen!” a short, gray-haired woman shouted, as a lanky young woman emerged from the crowd in front of Amelia.  Amelia’s eyes shifted upward, and she watched as the gray-haired woman reprimanded the young, lanky one.  “What is that?”  Kathleen fumbled with her clipboard and dropped her pencil on the floor at Amelia’s feet. 

“I…um mum… I was just double checking my list, making sure all the children are accounted for,” Kathleen replied, fumbling through the pages and showing Mrs. Branson her check marks.

“Nevermind that.”  Mrs. Branson waved her hand absentmindedly.  “It’s half past two and the train arrives in five minutes.  Stay here and get ready to direct the children to their cars.  Understood?”

“Yes, mum.”

Kathleen nodded and readjusted the hat perched atop her curly-headed bun.  She stopped momentarily, her head turning one way and then another.

Amelia watched her curiously and remembered the pencil rolling across the platform near her leather shoes.  Clutching her bag with one arm, she bent down and picked up the black pencil with two small, weathered fingers.  She continued looking up at Kathleen and held the pencil up to her in an attempt to gain her attention. 

Kathleen continued scanning the crowd, counting the children standing shoulder to shoulder on the concrete platform until the little, black pencil obstructed her view.  Her eyes followed the pencil to its bearer, and she grinned appreciatively at the little girl before her.  Amelia stood a few inches below the other children, and her hair rested naturally in tight red curls rolling down her back.  Her green eyes stood wide and fearful as she gazed at Kathleen, and she quickly shifted them back to her feet after Kathleen took the pencil from her tiny fingers.

“Thank you, dear,” Kathleen said warmly.

Amelia looked up for a moment to see Kathleen’s gentle smile and tried to look away as she bent down to meet her eyes.

“What’s your name?”

Amelia looked up at Kathleen and stared at her bright, red lips as she mumbled, “Amelia, mum.”

“Now Amelia, where are you headed?”

Amelia rocked back and forth on her heels and looked up as she replied, “Surrey… to stuh-stay wif m-mah-my aunt.”

“Really, darling? I hear Surrey’s wonderful this time of year. That sounds lovely.”

At Kathleen’s final remark, Amelia turned inward once more, holding her bag to her chest and looking down at her black, leather shoes.

“I’m sorry, dear. Have I upset you?”

Amelia’s red curls swung back and forth as she shook her head, the shadow of the curls lining her pale face.  She looked up slowly, and her green eyes glimmered, damp and disappointed.

“Well Amelia, have you ever ridden on a train before?”

Amelia shook her head once more and wiped her eyes with the back of her left hand, still holding the bag tightly to her chest with the right.

“You want to know a secret?” Kathleen whispered, and Amelia looked into her eyes intently this time.  “The trip goes quite quickly.  Oh, what is that old line? Ah, yes.  All of the sights of the hill and the plain/ Fly as thick as driving rain;/ And ever again, in the wink of an eye,/ Painted stations whistle by[1].”

Amelia’s lips curled to reveal a crooked smile.

“You know it?”

Amelia nodded her head vigorously this time, flashing her a toothy grin.

“Splendid! I…”

The sound of the train whistle drowned out Kathleen’s words, but Amelia felt the warmth of her hand in hers as she squeezed it gently and led her to the train car door.  She scurried to a seat nearest the window and gazed at the brothers and sisters filing into the train in groups of two, three, and four.  Her vision blurred as she watched mothers waving their handkerchiefs, hands over their mouths. 

She imagined her mother in the only way she could remember her: in her white, lace nightgown, red hair atop her tiny frame, pale and tired.  She saw her waving her handkerchief and blowing kisses to Amelia at the end of the platform.

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[1] “From a Railway Carriage” by Robert Louis Stevenson