Patrick Tighe
Dr. Acevedo
Creative Writing Response
10th June 2013
My Author's Note:
Hi all,
This piece felt like a significant jump from my
first attempt. I feel like I molded Colin into a character genuinely striving
for personal growth. I used bits of dialogue to one, force Colin into decision-making
circumstances. I also lined up the dialogue to help Colin reflect on his deep
personal emotions.
I really thrived in this writing by utilizing the
useful object concept. The slice of pecan pie plays a very important
role in the story, using this element helped me a long with plot development.
My weak points are the age-old battle between
showing and telling. I feel I can give great descriptions of scene, but I
am sort of telling and not subtly showing character actions. Advice in
this area would be greatly appreciated.
Also, I was curious to know if I am making the
outcome of plot to predictable. I'm really striving for "third
column" content. I think it would help to hear an honest opinion on
how certain people reached third column thoughts with their own pieces.
Should I have included situations like dealings with family or
ex-girlfriend to highlight his pain & anxieties more? Is the plot too
muddled?
Lastly, do any seasoned creative writers have any tips to make my story more compelling and or creative in general? This is my first creative writing course that I have taken. I feel that I am scratching the surface when it comes to producing good pieces, but I think I can really unlock some good stuff with y'all's input.
Lastly, do any seasoned creative writers have any tips to make my story more compelling and or creative in general? This is my first creative writing course that I have taken. I feel that I am scratching the surface when it comes to producing good pieces, but I think I can really unlock some good stuff with y'all's input.
All constructive criticism and helpful hints would
be greatly appreciated.
Story is below!
A Sunday Slice of Confidence
His bright I-phone calendar read the 2nd of June. A constant click clack along of
sneakers echoed throughout lush Regents Park. Colin’s stomach roared and
legs twitched. His morning stroll had just begun but something was not in
step with his mood. A ding reverberated in his pocket and Colin’s face
grew quite red. “I’m better off without you, loser, trumpeted the
black characters of text.”
“Her again, why do I continue to deal with her abuse,” Colin wondered. He
calmly slipped the phone back into its denim kingdom. The sound of click clack
continued around the park, as did the annoying growl of his stomach.
Suddenly, two gentlemen appeared in Colin’s path. One had white skin and
was wearing a tweede suit; his speech was matter of fact dealing with a
foreigner. He had darker skin with a tattered Sex Pistols shirt. Large
Rastafarian style concealed his heavy drug strained eyes. Colin’s White Sneakers
gravitated toward the conversation.
“Excuse me, muttered Colin, do you know a good local cafe,” “ Yeah, Where can I
find Wi-Fi,” the foreigner chirped over traffic, “Go to Café Nero, they have a
free online plan, you can create your own Wi-Fi plan,” said the businessman man
confidently.
Colin
immediately envisioned Thanksgiving at his home in Georgia. Colin’s mom would
concoct the tastiest of treats, including one hot and sweet classic, Pecan
Pie! His nose absorbed the distant smell, his taste buds acted like
a film projector, cycling back to the comfort of tasting a mix of pecan, sugar,
butter, and the thick flaky crust. The roars of his stomach boomed, “Café Nero
is exactly where I will head too, he excitedly thought, not even her texts of
hate can get me down.”
Priorities
in line, he sauntered down Baker Street, past the rustic green Sherlock Holmes
Statue where his ears picked up a yelp of confusion. A blue action figure sat
lonely on the pavement. Awkwardly clearing his throat, Colin chimed in,
“Ma’am, your son uh, dropped his toy, I used to love Iron Man buddy,” “
Would you like to put it somewhere, said the young mother? Nope, I like my toy,
but would you like to put it in your bag,” Exclaimed the radiant brunette! She
was balancing a small cup of cappuccino, while conversing with her small child
who proudly gripped his iron man doll.
A
tear formed in Colin’s right eyelid, streaming down his cheek. The days
of super hero’s, and too infinity and beyond had long since passed. No more
could he feel the joy of dawning a cape, feeling the wind flow through his
hair, while running through his front yard on a brisk fall day. The days
of adulthood had masked childhood memories like ominous storm clouds wiping out
a beautiful spring day.
The
time to act like in a mature manner had arrived. Colin had two distinct
choices, one was to hold on to past innocence and hide from reality with his
superhero costume. Conversely, Colin could embrace reality with the new cement
paths that lay in front of him.
“
I’ll have one pecan slice and a small cappuccino for uhh, take away stuttered
Colin.” The old cash registered clanged and two gold coins were plopped in his
hand. Colin delicately forked away at his bounty; each sweet bite brought a
much-needed inner peace.
As
the dark haired American trudged back out on to Baker Street, he observed a
market that was selling certain paintings. A crowd of white haired men
wearing nametags emblazoned with Fellow, Dr. and PHD gathered around the
commotion. The work belonged to one man by the name of Thomas
Gainsborough.
“Reminds
me of family board game nights,” chuckled Colin. “Why are the family gathered
together at night,” inquired one. “They are all working in the daytime,
family gatherings were lit by the moon, a lunar society of sorts,” said the Dr.
Colin’s soul was calm; his full stomach and careful listening help charged his
depressed soul back to health. Transition has been popping up all throughout
his life like a bad case of acne. The breakup with his ex girlfriend, a
new environment of study, Colin had to embrace his change, before a black hole
of low self-esteem and indecision came to rip away his destiny. “ I’ll keep
exploring, that’s what Pops, Mom, and good old Rufus the dog would want me
too.”
He
couldn’t worry about other’s judgment, living confidently, walking with a full
stomach, and loud but measured steps was his new course of action. He
confidently laced up his shoes, stood upright, as his feet carried him all the
way back to his dormitory.
Patrick,
ReplyDeleteI think your idea here is great, everyone struggles with change and everyone copes with it in different ways! I also think the details you've shown are really interesting, like the iron man doll and man in the tweed suit. However, I'm really confused as to how all these things connect. I don't understand the significance of the two men in the park, or how pecan pie came into the picture to begin with. The iron man toy was good for nostalgia, but I wasn't sure where or how he came across this mother-son pair. And then I was totally thrown by the group of scholars around the art?? It's important to connect scenes through transitions, like describing the change of setting and allowing enough time to pass so it feels like a believable sequence of events to the reader. You may just want to pick one or two of these interactions and spend more time on them, rather than having so many interactions. It's more important to show how interactions effect the character, rather than having interactions just to move the story along.
Another note, head on over to the internet and look up a guide on formatting for dialogue! There are some really helpful ones that lay out how to punctuate and when to indent a new line of text, etc.!
Good luck!
- Caroline
Patrick,
ReplyDeleteI enjoy this relatable glimpse into Colin's life!
I agree with Caroline, and feel some of the scenes need to be better connected. I understand it to be somewhat of a stream-of-consciousness of a piece, but even inside our own heads, actions trigger actions.
Some of the grammar errors were distracting, but nothing that couldn't be easily fixed!
I love for you to pick either the pie or the Iron Man figure, and expand on one of them.
Well done!
Kate
Patrick,
ReplyDeleteChoosing to talk about change made your piece very relatable. I particularly liked your paragraph bemoaning the transition from youth into adulthood (centered around Iron Man). The ideas in it were well thought out. I would love to see you take this specific idea and expand upon it more in your piece. While you expand upon this idea, I would consider eliminating some of the unrelated pieces of your story. It's almost as if Colin is having too many revelations in such a short walk - one about becoming an adult, one about leaving home, and the concluding passage about not worrying about how others' think. Any of those would make a great "center" for your story. I think you maybe just tried to tackle a little too much! :)
Good work!
Scott
Patrick,
ReplyDeleteNice work. Your purpose in this piece in clear, and I enjoyed your descriptions of the different characters Colin encounters throughout the story. I truly felt like I could see all of them with Colin as he walked down the street.
In terms of "show don't tell," I would consider revising lines like this: "why do I continue to deal with her abuse." I think that you could have left it with just what the ex-girlfriend said in the text. I think that Colin's physical reaction to it would have been enough to reveal to the reader his feelings toward her and the situation.
All in all, good job. I think that this piece has great potential and could be stronger if you gave yourself more room to flush it out.
Thanks for sharing,
Marjorie Lupas
Patrick,
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting piece that I find easy to relate to. I like the "concrete paths" and how you used the two objects.
I suggest that you heighten the pain with an example of the girlfriend or family only if you chose one of those aspects to focus on. Otherwise, you might want to nix it. Since you use the Iron Man toy and the pie, I kind of feel like you concentrate more on the family aspect and remembering childhood, so sticking with that side of it might be your best bet.
Also, I agree that you need to look up some dialogue formatting rules and add some tags. The current format is a bit distracting.
Good start!
-Haley
Patrick,
ReplyDeleteI really like what you where trying to do with this piece. It is definitely a relatable subject. I also like how you choose two different objects that could both be related back to the same meaning/memory.
I think you would really benefit from trimming out some of the excess scenes and focusing on just one or two. I was also thrown by the last scene with the painting and did not understand what was the significance of the two men in the park was. It might be better to just focus on the boy and the action figure and then the pecan pie and tie the two together more about how they remind Collin of his childhood and home. If you were to reformat how you did you dialogue and perhaps put Colin's internal thoughts in italics, it would also eliminate some confusion when reading the piece.
Overall I think this is a great start to your creative writing career!
Thanks for sharing,
Carson
Patrick,
ReplyDeleteI love the descriptions you give and the overall feel of the story. At some points, I thought it was a little hard to follow. The dialogue between businessman, Colin, and the other man was confusing, I wans’t sure who was speaking when. Also conversations between the mother and child about the Iron man figure was confusing to me, but some spaces and indents would make it much easier. The content in the dialogue was great though, I love your realistic way of describing characters and how you capture the innocence of the child, and relate Colin to the little boy. Also your metaphors were enjoyable and creative, like “transition had been popping up in his life like a bad case of acne”- I laughed out loud!
Also, some paragraphs felt a little random, like the flashback to Thanksgiving. I am assuming that it was supposed to be connected with Colin’s growling stomach and the conversation about café Nero? I love the part about the pecan pie- is that what is related to Thanksgiving? Maybe make that a little clearer in the beginning.
As far as showing and not telling, I have trouble with this too. The first thing I noticed though is that you could simply reveal less, that might do the trick. Like when Colin gets a text from his ex, he could just say “her again” or “not again” instead of “why am I putting up with her abuse?” and then you could work in elements of her abuse into the story instead of telling flat out that she was abusive.
I love Colin’s character. I think you really hit on some good points, and you make him very relatable (at least to me…you’ve practically described my life haha!)
I really enjoyed reading this, and I think with a little tweaking it could be fantastic!!
Jill
Patrick,
ReplyDeleteI think you've done a good job pointing out issues that afflict characters of a certain age, and having your character experience a fear of change and nostalgia.
I want to second the suggestion that you look into formatting dialogue, because at the moment it's a little confusing, but that's easily remedied.
I also want to second smoothing out your transitions between thoughts, because at some points it is very unclear what exactly is triggering your main character's reminiscences (like, where did the pecan pie come from?) Choosing one or two objects and focusing on certain incidents and one central emotion to build to would add very well.
I think with an editor's eye on a readthrough, to delete some random capitalizations, fix your dialogue, and other minor details, your story will be much improved.
I do want to say that a few of your comparisons, when they stretch out of complacent metaphors, are quite hilarious and interesting, such as "Transition has been popping up all throughout his life like a bad case of acne." That made me giggle, legitimately.
Good luck improving this piece! I think it has potential, in the reality of the issues and in the way you write when you push.
-Ellen
Patrick,
ReplyDeleteI loved your column where Colin has a tear slipping down his cheek while thinking of childhood. I think that is something we all reminence over sometimes.
I have to agree with Caroline on making clearer transitions. The other characters and objects just come out of nowhere, but, yet again, that's city life; especially in London on Baker Street of all things.
Other than that, you made good details in your story. It was charming and witty.
Good work!
Cara Eiland
Patrick,
ReplyDeleteI really like the descriptions of Colin's surroundings in this story. I like the dialogue (which just needs some format tweaking) that you have and wanted to maybe see some more because I really think it connected well to Colin's visions of home.
The use of the objects were good, as others have noted. I like what you're getting at at the end, but perhaps if you focused on building a little more scene like you do in the areas that work, where you do use dialogue, then I think you'd be on your way to showing more and telling less. Good job!
Patrick,
ReplyDeleteReally great job. I liked the descriptions a lot and the feeling you get across about being homesick.
I think that sometimes it got a little wordy, an example being "denim kingdom." I definitely dig the description, but I don't know that for this particular piece it's entirely necessary.
Also, be careful with quotation marks. This is something that could easily be fixed, but sometimes they didn't show up until the ends of the tags. Also, I don't know that I liked the tear falling from his cheek. It seems a little cliche. Try to think of another way to get across his sadness.
I want to see more dialogue. I feel like a lot of this is internal contemplation. As well as that, maybe you could expand it a bit between the businessmen or add in another character entirely. I really like the depth of the contemplation, but maybe you could tone it down a bit. I know we'll all have suggestions about showing and telling! Don't fret you did an awesome job!!!
Morgan
Hey Patrick,
ReplyDeleteI like the ambition here. There's clearly a lot you want to get across, and the character's emotions come across pretty well.
I think most people touched on my points: more dialogue, one focused realization, one image (pie or Iron Man) to expand on and run with. Also, you don't always need a lot of words to show something; sometimes a choice few will do.
Looking forward to seeing how it all turns out. Buena suerte.
--Angela
Patrick,
ReplyDeleteGreat job! As everyone has said, it is definitely a relatable topic. Change is hard to deal with! I do think you did a great job with using the objects. I seemed like you were wanting the pie to be the main one, as you said in your comments, but it also looks as though the toy was almost more powerful, being the trigger to him reminiscing about his past.
Great job!
Allie