Creative Response, by Carson Laye

Dear Classmates,

I am happy with the progress I made between this response and my first one.  I feel that I did a better job of describing my setting, and balancing the description and the dialogue so that there is not an overwhelming amount of either.  That being said, if there are any place where you feel there should be more or less description or dialogue, please let me know.

I tried to apply our craft lesson and use dialogue that had a duel purpose, but I don't know how successful I was in doing so.  Please let me know if you see places where I either was able to do this, or places where I could do this.  

I also tried to keep it vague as to why Liz so desperately wanted space to breathe, because I felt that it added some interest to the piece by leaving the reader to wonder and speculate as to what made Liz feel this way.  Let me know if you think I should keep the piece this way, or if it would be better to expand it and include a reason for her wanting space.

Any other suggestions or comment would be appreciated.

Thank you,

Carson Laye

Space to Breathe

            “Let’s get out of here. We’ve been stuck inside all day and I just need a break from all of this,” Alison exclaimed, breaking the quiet trance that had descended upon the room.  The window at the far end painted an enticing picture of green grass and fragrant flower beds packed full of coordinating tulips and pansies; large trees rose above it all, providing a canopy through which warm sunlight filtered.  The tranquil scene was a welcome contrast to the stark dorm room in which Alison and Liz had been studying in for the past three hours.  Somehow the small, rectangular room housed two twin beds and two small tiny desks attached to a slightly bigger wardrobe overflowing with clothes that could not been contained by the limited shelving.  Every piece of furniture in the room served to form a tunnel to the window through which an expansive garden beckoned.  To Alison and Liz, the walls of the room were a suffocating prison compared to the ivy covered walls that marked the end of the garden outside. 

“Yes, please!” Liz replied, snapping her computer shut and leaping from her bed.  Alison joined her and in a flurry of make-up and clothes, the two girls were ready.  They set off eagerly thundering down the stairs pausing only to open doors. 

“Where do you want to go?” inquired Alison.

“Anywhere. I just needed get out of that room! I swear sometimes it gets hard to breathe in there!”

“I know what you mean. Let’s go to the park.  The fresh air might do us some good after breathing in all the dust from that old room.”

“Why are there so many people here? It’s strange how many people come to the park on the weekend.  It’s so different from back home,” said Liz fiddling with her purse strap while her eyes darted around the park.

“It’s not that bad. Come on there’s some space over there, we can lay out and soak in the sun,” Alison replied.  Liz plodded along behind her to the small break in people, where the two laid down their belongings and stretched out on the grass.  As Liz lay back, she became aware of several things.  First, the grass beneath her, while plush, was actually quite itchy if it encountered any bare skin.  Liz squirmed around trying to shift her clothing around so no skin was exposed to the grass’s assault.  Second, the sun while bright, was surprisingly pleasant and just the right temperature to provide warmth without causing her to sweat. Third, and most importantly, the park was anything but tranquil. 

“Mum, I want to feed the ducks!” a young boy shrilled.

“He’s got to sort that mess out,” said a man.

“No, I am not going to dinner with them again last time was a disaster!” a young woman insisted to her companion.

“And then he said, ‘Turn me over I’m done on this side!’” chortled an older man.

RRRRNNNN WEEHOO WEEHOO. The sirens of some emergency vehicle could be heard in the distance.  The high pitched sound of a dog yapping at the birds could be heard much closer.  All of these sounds joined together to form a cacophony that pressed down on Liz suffocating her. 

‘I’ve got to get out of here,’ Liz thought, as she jerked upright grasping not only for peace, but breath.

“What’s wrong?” Alison asked.

“I…I can’t stay here…I’ve…I’ve got to go”

“Where will you go? Do you need me to come with you?”

“No! I…I think I’ll just go back to the room. I really only needed a short break, I’m sure I’ll be fine in there now,” Liz replied.  She scrambled to gather her belongings before quickly scurrying through the obstacle course of couples, families, and birds.  Breaking free of the crowd, Liz practically ran for the comfort of her dorm room.  Retracing her earlier path, Liz was once again seeking the same promise of peace.  Finally flinging open the door to her room, the once oppressive space seemed to offer the answer Liz’s overwhelming need for peace.  Liz eased herself onto her bed and looked once again to the window.  What had once looked like a beckoning paradise, now served her better as a relaxing picture to escape into from the safety of her bed.  As Liz closed her eyes and lay back, she pictured herself in that garden with only the soothing chirping of birds and the whistling of the wind to disturb her.  In the small, rectangular room, Liz lay down and breathed.