Author's note:
I'm happy with
the metaphors I'm using, but do they make sense? How can I explain better who
the alligator actually is? I know if I had more pages I could continue on to
explain, but is there a way I can do that with our page restriction?
Is
it clear who is speaking and when?
I'm very much more of a poetry writer
so my stories tend to sound too abstract if I find a good metaphor and run with
it, so I mostly just need advice on how to make it easier to
understand.
--Kate
Story:
I think he's an alligator. Yea, that's what he is. Sordid, slimy, scaly,
greedy-green, and full-blooded American. And low, low, low to the ground.
Useless creatures alligators are. What purpose do they serve but to
lurk?
If he's an alligator then that must make me a turtle. Tiny, timid,
torpid, sagaciously-speckled, and purely fresh. Hard on the outside, but with
one toothy crack my mushy insides become the vulnerable prey.
But
somehow he swallowed me whole. No breaks in my shell, just a swift, scooping
attack from behind. After all, turtles always come to the surface when we spit
into the creek water. They're easily tricked and teased. No nourishment for
turtles- just excess and emptiness from human glands meant to break down the
enzymes. Little turtle enzyme hopes and wishes.
"Miss?"
And after
the turtles are left with a bubbling swell of disappointment, an alligator
grazes by and the turtle falls into his dark and hollow belly, never to be seen
again and then the other turtles lose all their turtle trust and--"Miss!"
"Sorry, yes?"
"Miss, the park is closing now you have to
go."
"I thought this park closed at sunset?"
"It does. The sun set
20 minutes ago."
"Oh. Alright I'm sorry I'll leave now." I always offer
my little timid turtle apologies that I never mean and I'm involuntarily
migrated because I've overstayed my welcome.
And if he's an alligator,
his kind is ancient--a timeless predator. That's why the turtles adapted and
made their shells harder and harder with each learned lesson. But the alligators
have so many teeth and they've grown sharper and sharper with each learned
lesson. And so it will always continue--the vicious cycles of predator and prey
adaptation. I'll always be the helpless prey.
"Ray?"
Why was I
even made a turtle? Why wasn't I made a bird? I could swoop and circle the
alligators, teasing their taste buds and the only way they'd be able to snatch
me is if I got too close. I'd be in control though.
"Ray, are you done
yet? I'm really hungry"
"Sorry, I'm sorry. How long have I been
talking?"
"Like, a really long time. Mom has called me six times because
dinner is ready. But you've just gone off on your tangent for like, five
days."
"Sorry, I just get caught up. Let's cross here and we'll move
quicker now."
"Besides, you're not a turtle. You're a butterfly...but
you used to be an ugly caterpillar!"
"Thanks Jack." He anticipated my
usual swift kick to his backside, but somewhere in there was a truth and a
compliment, so he just tripped himself.
He's such a good kid. Jack is
the best brother a turtle could ask for. He'll probably be a turtle too, though.
But for now he's just the smartest and kindest twelve year old animal embryo. He
could be an alligator, or even something else; but I can already see his mushy
insides growing a shell.
We crossed the footbridge across the creek. The
security guard watched us wind around the bend to where the lamps stop and we
pushed open the iron gate to the street.
"Where is that alligator now,
anyway?" Jack kicked a rock across the road and looked up at me out of the
corner of his eye.
Kate,
ReplyDeleteAfter hearing your story in class, I enjoyed reading it again for myself a second time. Your images are striking and thoughtful, and your story itself has a fable-like quality to it.
I enjoy the way that you snap in and out of dialogue. Your protagonist thinks like she is writing, but speaks to her brother casually. All in all, the dialogue is strong and playful.
I think that it's clear who is the alligator and who the turtle; however the section at the end confused me a little bit when Ray refers to Jack as an "animal embryo." When will he be a full blown turtle/alligator? Does this come at a certain stage of a person's life? Nature vs. Nurture, I guess? Perhaps, you're trying to get your reader to ask these questions, but I am not sure of the age difference between Jack and Ray and if this affects their approaches to life. Maybe, try making this more clear.
I appreciate your creativity and admire your eagerness and willingness to write something completely engulfed in a metaphor. I have much to learn from writers like you!
Thank you for sharing,
Marjorie Lupas
Hey Kate,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this piece. The descriptions you use to paint a picture of the animals are captivating and direct. They give me a great vision of this possibly occurring in Regents park, obviously just outside campus.
The time as a setting concept is illustrated quite well here. I know it is dinner time and that the day is finished for park visitors. It sets up well for future plot action, with possible tension between the turtle and alligator, as well as baseline for the animal character development.
As for improvement areas, I would say maybe cut down on the description of the turtle's stream of consciousness a bit. It gives great insight, but sometimes things can get a confusing as to if the turtle is speaking, or if it is just his thoughts flowing inside his head.
Concerning the metaphors, explain them a bit more. The predator prey metaphor is very compelling, but I would love to see more explanation as how it would fit in with the family structure of the turtles. How does always being prey connect with the idea of brotherhood or being your brother or sisters keeper?
Keep up the great work!
Patrick
Kate,
ReplyDeleteI love this piece's creativity and poetic qualities - I'm also more of a poetry writer, so I feel you! I think it's clear who the alligator is (I'm going with ex boyfriend - but it could also be a certain type of person in general, like a manipulative person). I like how Ray is talking like this to her little brother, like she knows he won't get it but she's going to talk about it anyways! You have a great handle on language in general and use can definitely milk a metaphor for all it's worth!
As far as a suggestion, seeing more interaction with Jack would be good, maybe have him say more to reveal how he might be turning into a turtle as well.
Wonderful start!
- Caroline
Kate,
ReplyDeleteThis work was so great. Your syntax and wording is just so cool. I loved your descriptions and was just impressed at your use of metaphors.
I also really like Ray and Jack's relationship. You can tell that when Ray starts on a tangent Jack just listens and it all makes sense to him. That was really thoughtful to me. To be able to capture the innocence of a child.
With page restriction, I would suggest what Patrick mentioned. Cut some of the turtle's stream of consciousness and explain more about the alligator.
Thanks for the read!
Melissa
Kate,
ReplyDeleteThis is such an imaginative scene. I love your metaphors. Your writing is eloquent and well thought out. I also really enjoy your dialogue. I think you have just enough of it to balance your character's thoughts, though you could cut that down a bit as Patrick suggests. Jack's little question about the alligator at the end might be my favorite part.
Like I said, I like the poetic side of your writing, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. You might want to put a tag the first or second time Jack talks. You might want to try inserting a more tangible aspect to the alligator to point him to a particular person. I don't think you'd need to do much.
I love, love, love this type of writing! Great start.
-Haley
Kate,
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else, I loved your story! the metaphors and imagination are incredible, and I really got a sense of who the characters were. I guessed that the alligator was an ex-boyfriend also, or a manipulative person, like Caroline said. I think that more interaction and dialogue would accomplish revealing more about who the alligator is- and keep Ray from being too much in her own head. I think that the metaphors work well and are clear.
It is clear to me who is speaking or thinking, but sometimes I wasn't sure if Ray was speaking or just thinking to herself. Quotation marks would easily fix that though, I think!
I really enjoyed reading this! great job!
Jill
Hola chica,
ReplyDeleteI really like the creativity here with the turtle and alligator metaphor--I read it as a former boyfriend/bad romance. It's a very different and fresh take on a familiar subject.
I'm curious as to what you want to focus on: Ray-as-turtle and her alligator, or Jack as turtle-to-be, or turtle-hood in general. If you're going for the Ray-as-turtle element I might suggest a touch more reference to her alligator before the end. As of now I feel more of Ray's fondness for Jack at the end, instead of alligator worries.
And as far as who's speaking when, I didn't have any problems understanding it. I'd suggest not adding tags; I think it'd interrupt the narrator's flow.
Yours, etc.
Kate,
ReplyDeleteThis story makes me wish I was turtle (in a good way). I love (as others have said) your transitions between the dialogue and the poetic. I feel like simultaneously reading a story and a poem, and I like it. Your writing was clean, and reading it was smooth and enjoyable.
I was left with a few questions at the end about the role of certain identities. I think that might be partly intended, but I think a little more clarity on who the alligator is might help.
But, ultimately, I think your piece is creative. And that's so important.
Cheers! :)
Scott
This story was refreshing; writing about this type of plot can be compicated--congrats. I think some parts of it was a little confusing, like the "animal-embryo" part.
ReplyDeleteGiving more clarity on who the alligator will help readers to better understand your plot.
Happy writing!
Cara Eiland
Dear Kate,
ReplyDeleteI really love the creative metaphor you came up with in this piece. I think it's pretty clear who the alligator is, I'm guessing and ex-boyfriend. I didn't find the dialogue confusing since you kept it to only two characters speaking at a time.
If you expand this piece, I would love to have more of an explanation of what makes a person a certain animal and/or what it is about Jack that makes the protagonist think he will be a turtle.
Overall, I really enjoyed the creativity of your piece!
Thanks for sharing,
Carson
Kate,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your piece! It was so creative and well executed. I also loved hearing you read it in class because I was able to visualize Ray pondering the park. Both times I heard/read it, however, I was a little bit confused as to who the alligator and turtle were. At the same time, I liked how it was ambiguous and left up to the reader to interpret. I would drop a few more hints about the people that you are comparing these animals to for clarity and for the reader to get to know the characters even further.
Really great work, though!
Allie
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteKate,
ReplyDeleteI definitely see and appreciate the poetic language and qualities of this piece. I think your word choice is absolutely wonderful. From it, I have no problem imagining these animals. You take off with the metaphor and it really works for me personally. I think you do a great job.
I understand your concern over who is talking and when they're talking. For some reason, time and place also confused me a bit. That may be because I totally misinterpreted a few things. I'll admit a few times I had to check back to make sure I was following correctly. I also want to know more about Jack and Ray. I think it's definitely a creative piece with great language. I would love to have more dialogue exchanges. I feel that a lot of it is internal contemplation. So add in a few lines from varying characters.
I bet your poetry is beautiful! Anyway, great work!
Kate,
ReplyDeleteI really liked the stream of consciousness feel to your scene, and I really liked getting inside the head of a character who, if the scene is expanded into a full story, has potential to be captivating. I agree with some of the responses above that the metaphor works (so long as I am correct that the alligator is a man in Ray's past or an abusive type person), and it would be even more interesting to see it traced out through a larger story. There seems to be lurking in your scene the possibility for a contrast between Jack and the Alligator, but we would need more dialogue between Ray and Jack, as well as more information about the person not appearing in this scene.
Kate,
ReplyDeleteWhat an interestingly poetic way you found to write around (what I assume is) trust issues after being taken in by a deceptive ex. I find the stream of consciousness works well, and just when it gets a little overwhelming we are jerked out of it into some very sensible dialogue and more familiar, people-shaped characters. And her concern for her brother is very clear and sweet.I wasn't confused by the dialogue nor the metaphors, I think they're coming in clearly.
To be quite honest, the extended multiple uses of alliteration didn't really work for me, though your vocabulary range is quite impressive. The lists of adjectives just wasn't-- compelling, for me.
I do like the character interactions quite a lot, when they come in, and the metaphor you employ is interesting, especially when your main character goes off into very personified tangets, "losing all their turtle trust" etc. It's a fun little piece.
-Ellen