Author's Note
Hey Everyone,
So this was the creative response we did for the Mysterious Kor. I changed a lot of the story and I like this one a lot more. This is about Carrie just taking a walk at night and seeing the changes that the bombings have done to her city, like the toy shop. I was also trying to show David and Carrie's feelings even for each other instead of telling.
So I'm having trouble trying to portray negative capability and varying sentence structure. I think I am showing the character's feelings or maybe I'm not? I know this could be better and I would like to know how!
Thanks
Melissa
Lying for Protection
Carrie was walking alone that night. She looked
above her and admired the moon; how its light was something she once took for
granted. A cold breeze gently ran across her face and for the first time in a
few weeks, the night was peaceful. Carrie stumbled up to where the old toy shop
had been. She remembered Mr. Daniel’s warm smile and how all the children
always gaped in awe at his treasures through the window.
“I want to visit Mr. Daniel’s shop today, Carrie,
can we do that? Please?”said her little brother.
“Only if you finish your reading first, Robert, then
maybe I can take you.” Carrie smiled at him.
The walls were now lying in
piles on the ground. Bricks and stone were strewn from corner to corner.
Instead of children waiting inside for Mr. Daniels it was toy trains and small
dolls waiting under the rubble. Carrie picked up a small doll from the ground. Dirt
and dust stained on its face. It seemed to be the only thing not broken in
there. Hopefully Robert will be happy
with this. Carrie looked at the place once more before she left. Where are you now, Mr. Daniels? A few tears fell down her cheeks. She wiped
her eyes and kept moving.
Carrie’s
eyes averted to a shadow’s movement up ahead of her. This was surprising to her
because no one was supposed to be out this late.
“Carrie, what are you doing out so late? You know
that we have curfew.” said the shadow.His voice was familiar.
"Who is that? I can't see you," Carrie replied while standing back.
"It's David, come closer, sit with me," he laughed and motioned her to come over.
She sat down next to him. Oh. It's David.
“Well then why are you out here David? You can’t
tell me that you have a better reason to be out here than I do.”
David
laughed to himself and they both sat on the bench in silence.
“So I guess you can’t sleep either?” he asked
“No, not really, how can anyone be able to sleep?”she
said while popping her knuckles.
There was
silence again.
“You know, I heard about your family, I'm so sorry. I wanted to come find you." he said moving closer to her.
Carrie could feel her cheeks run hot and she couldn’t
find the words to say. He moved closer to her and grabbed her hand. Her body froze. He laid his head onto her shoulder. This was not what she
was expecting. I guess I should be sorry for him too. Carrie felt his tears on her blouse. She held him like she holds her brother every night, right. She felt her eyes begin to water
again but she was determined not to let any more tears shed.
“David,
everything will be alright.” She was lying and he knew it too.
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteThis piece is very moving and you did a good job with subtext in the dialogue and situation! The toy shop and Carrie's relationship/situation with her little brother is striking and definitely conveys the pain and loss of this time. I also felt like the dialogue worked naturally, though watch out for characters saying each other's names too much!
I like the relationship between Carrie and David because of their shared pain and loss, however, it seems like they would have a bigger greeting if they've been apart and unable to find each other. I was a little thrown by Carrie's thought of "I guess I should be sorry for him too" - is not sorry for him? Does she not feel the compassion he feels for her? Maybe it's just the way it's worded, but it comes off as cold to me. Something nit-picky I noticed was David's gesture of putting his head on her shoulder - it feels a little awkward and unnatural to me, which works if you are trying to show an uneasiness in Carrie, but I'm not sure if that's what you are going for.
Great job overall!
- Caroline
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this piece and think that you have captured an intimate moment between two people in a confusing time. I like that way that you combine two scenes here: the scene with Carrie and her brother at the toy shop and then the scene with Carrie and David. Flashbacks can be powerful things, and I think you used this well to reveal to the reader more about Carrie's character.
However, I personally wanted more from David as a character. He seems to break down at the end, but there is no real explanation other than the war. His comments make it seem like Carrie should be the one breaking down; yet, she remains composed. Is this just evidence of who she is as a character?
All in all, I think you did a great job of painting Carrie in a realistic light. I particularly enjoyed the fact that she cracks her knuckles. I feel like I could hang out with her.
Well done. I look forward to seeing where you take this.
Thanks for sharing,
Marjorie Lupas
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteThis is a lovely piece! I especially liked how you used the toy shop. I thought the dolls and trains, some of which I imagine are broken, under the rubble fit the feeling of the war, like the war took a certain sense of innocence from the people. You did a great job!
I found a few sections a bit confusing, like when David was the one who was upset. I wanted to know more about David. I feel like their conversation could go a little longer or Carrie could pull up a very small memory that would give a few more hints about David. Also, when you say "she held him like she holds her brother every night, right" I was a bit lost because I thought her brother had died. Do you mean "held," or did I read it wrong? I could have missed something.
Like Marjorie, I love Carrie's gestures, particularly when she picks up and examines the doll at the start and when she pops her knuckles at the end.
-Haley
Yes, this is a very moving piece. I believe all of us want more feedback on David as a character. Right now we get very little from him.
ReplyDeleteYour descriptions are very good and give the characters more life.
Right now, I think why you are having trouble portraying the characters feelings is because there is so little we know from the description of the characters. So keep up with more details of the characters themselves.
Good Luck!
Cara Eiland
Hey Melissa,
ReplyDeleteThis was a great spin you put on the mysterious kor. I got the same goosebumps I did when I was reading the Kor. Very dark and mysterious dealings with the Moon etc, I think you did the Kor justice with your solid personal spin on matters. I feel having a little brother as your character shapes your story well. Carrie is the older sibling, trying to protect her brother and make him happy. Having two sisters myself, I could identify with how they treat each other.
This piece made me ask really good questions, why won't everything be alright? I liked that it really forced me to think about what will happen next.
In terms of improvement, David seems to be sort of enigma in this story. That may be part of your hook, but expand more on his intentions and how he knows Carrie.
Thank you for sharing-Keep up the nice work!
Patrick
Melissa! I really enjoyed this. You had me captured from the start, especially with the flashback to Carrie's brother- great job! I also liked your method of interplaying Carrie's thoughts with her dialogue. This did a good job of showing us more about Carrie. On the opposite side, this meant we got less of David. But that's not necessary bad, as we certainly get more of Harry than we do from Ron in HP. :)
ReplyDeleteI would look at improving your character's actions. You definitely realize the importance of showing their actions, but I was sometimes confused at what those actions were saying. For instance, what does Carrie popping her knuckles tell us? It seemed a little thrown in there.
Good job!
Scott
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI love the use of toys and innocence to convey the impacts of war. As someone with a brother much younger than me, I can relate to Carrie's relationship to him. Your style is simple and not overdone, which I liked.
At first however, I thought her talking with David was a flashback. I think I'm still confused by that. Is he actually there? Or did he die maybe from the war and she's imagining him? As far as negative capability, if he is actually a flashback, you could say something about her reaching out to where his hand would be and just feeling the air.
Well done!
Kate
Dear Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the imagery and description you used in your piece, especially when you were describing the toy shop. I felt like that was a really powerful imagine to show just how the war has devastated the city that something so innocent as a toy shop has fallen victim to the bombing. I also really liked that you used both flashbacks and inner dialogue to show Carries character.
As for David, I feel that you could definitely develop him more. I was a little confused by his actions with Carrie because I didn't know if there was supposed to be a romantic relationship or more of a sibling relationship because you mentioned Carrie holding him like she did her brother. The mystery of David though did keep me intrigued though.
I would love to see you continue this piece because I really want to know the back story between Carrie and David and why they both need comfort.
Thank you for sharing,
Carson
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else, I really liked the image of the toys, especially having them buried and broken under the rubble. Simple but powerful.
David confused me. I thought at first she was imagining him, and somehow I'm still not sure about that. He just doesn't feel as developed as he ought to be. I'd also like to know more about his exact relationship with Carrie. I don't know how specific or not you want to be, but a little more would be helpful.
Thanks for letting us read this!
--Angela
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI loved the descriptions of the city- the mysteriousness, the forbidden aspect was great.
I was kind of confused about who David was to Carrie and why they interacted the way they did. It really threw me off when you said Carrie had held David like her brother, because 1) I thought her brother was dead (past tense issue?) and 2) the romantic vibe that I thought was happening between C&D then felt kind of weird comparing it to her brother.
I would like to see more of how Carrie feels about David, a little bit on what happened to the brother, and more actions tied into the dialogue
Good start!
Jill
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this piece! You did a great job with keeping the solemn tone throughout and I got really sad at the end! I really liked your descriptions of the city walking, especially the description of the bookstore now being a pile of bricks--powerful.
I think you did a good job with showing instead of telling! It's something that I struggle with too and I think that you really utilized the dialogue. Maybe leave a little bit more room for ambiguity in their conversations? This would give you some room to develop the character a little bit more.
Great work!
Melissa, I really like the tone of this scene, and I think you really get the mysterious Kor vibes going here. Everything seems sort of somber (almost scary?), but your character doesn't seem afraid. I am confused as to exactly her connection with David and would love to have more revealing dialogue. Otherwise, keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteMelissa
ReplyDeleteNegative capability, you used it to great effect. I think that, through Carrie's thoughts, we get a strong sense of what should be there-- her brother-- is not, and you ably portray that in the way that she holds Daniel like her brother, among other scenes.
Just a small correction: could you either put her reminiscences of talking to her little brother in italics, or use "had said"? I had to go back to the other paragraph to confirm that she was, actually, alone.
I think you did a good job sort of fooling the reader into thinking that Robert is alive until David's own reveal. It's a powerful moment, and then to see her displace her emotions into comforting David is touching and sad. Carrie is an interesting character.
I too wouldn't mind getting a little more of David, and who he is to Carrie. I'm also curious as to how old he is, because I expected they were about the same age, adults, to be out at night, but her crush of affection makes him seem younger.
I enjoyed reading this piece, and the loss rings through it resoundingly. Nice.
-Ellen
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI can definitely see where you drew your inspiration from The Mysterious Kor, and I dig it a lot. I like the spin off of it. At the same time, I feel that it's also a bit too similar in the mentioning of the moon and the general feeling of stopping at the store. I think that you can definitely make this more of your own.
I like the dialogue. I think it works well and flows nicely. On that same note, I have to agree with Ellen in saying that I found I was sometimes very confused about the phrases in italics. Just include dialogue tags. I think that some parts were excellent in showing not telling, like when you said she was popping her knuckles. That really gets across how uncomfortable she is. I would love to see more of that scattered throughout the story.
Good job, happy revising!
Morgan